The smell, the sound, the energy...the ocean is my happy place. It restores something deep within me, in a way that nothing else can. Just walking on the shore lets me breath deeper, and relaxes my soul. My spirit lightens. It's been too long.
The ocean brings back memories. The last time I was on a shore was just over two years ago, and I was in such a different place. I had just finished my first year as a full-time graduate student and my life felt like it was on track. I had made some very dear friends in SL, one in particular - I was so happy. So much has happened.
Since then, I've moved across the country to take a challenging job that I really enjoy. I've kept almost all those friendships...all but one have deepened into lifelong special relationships. I've made many other close friends in SL (and RL), and some of those will also last a lifetime. I have SL to thank for many things.
The one friendship that has ended - the one that gave me such joy when I was last at the ocean - saddens me. I've had to accept that I cannot continue to enable someone's darkness, and the only way to stop it is to walk away completely. After many words, and many more tears, I have let myself be used for the last time. My friendship and acceptance weren't enough; I have no idea what would have been. I thought that after I met him and his wife in real life that our friendship could grow, as just that: Friendship. Regardless, an important part of my life is overwith now. I am saddened that my words of encouragement - even to recommend meeting someone from SL in real life - weren't accepted for what they were. I wish the both of them, him and his now real-life lover, all the happiness they deserve. I will miss you. I hope you finally find that which you have sought for so long, and wish I could have stayed on that journey with you.
The ocean was cathartic in its own ironic way, as well. By a total coincidence, I was introduced to someone that reminds me in so many ways of one of the most important people in my life. They are both Englishmen, both are from near Manchester, and look as if they could be brothers...yet they have no connection. The person I met this week was here with his family visiting a friend of mine from SL. I think that this coincidence may finally give me some closure I've needed with this relationship from long ago, that changed me in a very fundamental way.
The two people mentioned above - both touched my life deeply and both left scars, but also wisdom. Trust is something that is hard won, and easily lost. I have known this at a very deep level for a long time. What I tend to forget is that it's a two-way street. When my trust is betrayed, it doesn't mean I should trust less...rather, I should trust more carefully. I think the current scars will heal much faster, in a healthy way this time.
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. My teacher walked with me on the shore...held my hand in its own way when I needed it...and helped my heart heal on many levels. The ocean was my teacher this week. It reminded me of what is important, and what is not. It was time to let go of some things, and it showed me how. The ocean let me see, once again, what is my problem, and what is NMP - not my problem.
I don't know if words exist to explain how this happens with me...words seldom fail me. Yet with the ocean, they are completely inadequate. Some things just are.
The ocean heals me, and fills me with something I never know I've lost. It has once again let me take out the things whirling in my head, examine them closely, and only put back the ones I want to keep.
There's something about the ocean...
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